Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

the saddest jazz hands ever

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.