Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

Mummies are just super modest zombies

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived