Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION