White border agent = Vanilla Ice
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Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”