White border agent = Vanilla Ice
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I only eat vegetarians.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
What kind of a cult is this?
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Go gym
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
new wife guy just dropped
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
grotesque if literal: baby food
😂 amazing answer
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Word!
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?