White Castle for the Win
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My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
canadian assassins are called killergrams
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.