Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

I want this so bad

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

i will not be silenced

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.