Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.

Me: The what?

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

every college guy’s fridge

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

and now we wait

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM