white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
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not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I wish all tests were things you peed on
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Don’t frighten the programmers!
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog