Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

I went from rags to one rag.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??