White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
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If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
goldfish mafia
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”