White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
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I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
i’m sure it’s fine
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND