WHITE GIRL: im not a dog person, im not a cat person, im a people person
ME: (whispering to my dog) i think that means she owns slaves

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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.


wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
me: oh


*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*


*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?


Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.


My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.


[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*


I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire


I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.


COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think