Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
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*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.