Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

This is my pinned tweet

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”