Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

new wife guy just dropped

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

Don’t snitch tag.

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

aesthetic

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?