Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???