Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

As per my previous tablet…

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

Huge, if true.

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why