White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
…..pretty much.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.