Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed