Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?