White parent Vs Arab parents
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry