Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”