When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
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Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
they really do be looking like this
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.