white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
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I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Winnipeg!!
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”