White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
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*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.