White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.