White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
You Might Also Like
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.