White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
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Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.