White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
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I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.