White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
You Might Also Like
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I’ve been drinking.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.