White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
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[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Living the best life.. 😊
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]