white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Breakfast for Stoners:
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.