Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

🏙👨🏼

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.