white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
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Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you