white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
You Might Also Like
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Coffee for people with no kids
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
This sounds bad:
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I don’t make the rules sorry
