white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.