white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
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The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!