white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
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Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
How times have changed.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.