PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
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ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Me when someone tries to get to know me
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.