white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
shakira sharkira
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Whoops
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
