white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
so i’m at the stock market right
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
