white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
