white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
2022 be like
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
im gay on my mothers side
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
