white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
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BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
drew a comic about my origin story
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong