White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
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Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
i love meeting boys on tinder
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
