white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
