white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
is he marrying that labradoodle
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
