“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
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I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.