“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
You Might Also Like
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
NASA has no chill
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.