“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
You Might Also Like
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer