“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
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having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
i baked you a cake
