Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.