Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

No. YOU-buprofen.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.