white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
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I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
This guy gets it.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
groan^2
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.