white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

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*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*



I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.


“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff


“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.


John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.


Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?


When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.


I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.