@molly7anne

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

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@AndyAsAdjective

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

@sandjoeman

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

@Cpin42

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

@Laser_Cat

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

@desusnice

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

@Los01001111

Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?

@curlycomedy

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

@Jandalize

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.