@molly7anne

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

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@SteveSackington

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

@Darlainky

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

@petedavidson

Professor Snape caught Harry in the hall after dark and out of NOWHERE Lupin pops out in the hallway to save him. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT

@dorsalstream

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

@WilliamAder

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

@dog_feelings

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

@DanMentos

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

@daddydoubts

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

@PatsATweetin

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?