Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

Fat chances are my favorite chances

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

But is it really??

who’s gonna tell her?

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

*updates tinder bio*

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.