Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
You Might Also Like
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
that lip filler tho
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Good morning
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
This squirrel eats better than I do
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.