Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
You Might Also Like
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend