“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
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Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
Merry Christmas
