Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
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Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Wise advice
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir