Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
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When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
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