Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
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[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Matthew was born for this.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.