Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
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It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
sigh
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready