Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
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Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.