Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
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i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’