Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.