Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

blocked.

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

How to wake up a Beagle

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.