Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
When can I start eating bats again.
These work great until they don’t.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
john wicks are toilet candles
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.