Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
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@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Hit me in the face with a bird
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.