Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
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GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Why does laundry happen to good people?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one