Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
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Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”